What Lies Beneath

Here's the problem: Your kids will stand on your last nerve and dance a jig - if you let them. Here's the solution: Don't let them.

Easier said than done, right? Many parents use fear of punishment to get their kids to "act right." But understand that real behavior modification is not a high-powered pressure washer that only makes things look great on the surface. The problem with trying just to fix the behavior is you're not addressing what's causing the disobedience, lying, and whining.

To help your children change from the inside out, you must target what lies beneath - the heart of your child. Simply, your child's heart determines his or her behavior. You must take the Word of God beneath the surface, to the heart.

The Bible is clear: "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16).

The key to the transforming power of this verse is learning how to flesh it out in the real-life, everyday struggles your children face. When they disobey, throw temper tantrums, talk back, or tell lies, they're acting from what's in their hearts. Your role, as parent, is to dive beneath the bad behavior and get to the heart of the matter. Here's how to go below with your kids.

Proverbs 20:5 states, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out."

Jesus set the ultimate example for probing the heart of another in order to draw out what lies beneath the surface. When dealing with sinners, Jesus did not shake His finger in their faces and tell them what they were doing wrong. Instead, He asked thought-provoking questions so the person to whom He was talking had to focus on the sin in his or her heart instead of the circumstances. Heart-probing questions cause people to evaluate themselves.

When you merely demand that your kids behave, you're hindering them from learning how to think like a Christian. They will become handicapped in the area of discerning matters of the heart. When your children learn to evaluate their hearts and deal biblically with the sin found there, they learn to govern their own behavior - and they grow in wisdom and character.

You can correct and instruct your children repeatedly, but you cannot reach their hearts with your own wisdom. Wisdom from God's Word is what will penetrate your children's hearts. "The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12).

In 1 Corinthians 10:13, God explains that when His children are tempted, He always provides a means of escape. Follow His example by giving your children a means of escape - teach them how to replace wrong behavior with right behavior.

You see, it's never enough to simply rebuke lying, whining, and disobedience. Rebuking sinful behavior without teaching godly behavior can exasperate your kids and provoke anger. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). It's important that your children learn to put off sinfulness; however, it's equally important, if not more important, that they learn to put on righteousness (Ephesians 4:22-24). Replacing bad behavior with godly behavior is the escape route.

Role-playing is an extremely effective tool for training your kids to put into practice what they've learned. As they put the knowledge gained into use, it will actually become part of them. Role-playing encourages your children to be "doers" of the Word of God rather than just "hearers."

When you require your kids to actually walk through the correct behavior, you train them in righteousness, instead of simply rebuking them for wrong actions. You provide them with a means of escape. You show them how to put off bad behavior and put on godly behavior. Not only does role-playing teach your children how to apply God's Word to daily life, it also equips them to respond biblically to similar situations in the future.

Want a leg up on putting these principles into practice? Check out these three parenting scenarios. They'll help teach you how to dive beneath the surface and encourage a change of heart in your children.

Emily races down the hall. Glancing back at Michael, who's hot on her trail, she yells, "I'm telling Mom!"

You grit your teeth. Nothing is more annoying than tattling, especially from one who has been at it all day. "Mom," the informer begins, "you said we aren't allowed to jump on our beds." Emily folds her arms and throws a holier-than-thou look at her brother. "And guess who's been jumping?" Michael mumbles something about a bug on the ceiling. The two begin to argue. "Tattletale! Tattletale!" yells Michael. "There wasn't a bug on the ceiling, and you know it!" Emily fires back. "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Sound familiar? This is a golden opportunity to use Scripture to teach Emily why tattling is wrong and how she could have handled the situation in a way that pleases God. Take her aside and try the following:

Probe her heart. "Emily, are you gung-ho about getting your brother in trouble?" If Emily ponders that question and seems to be leaning toward the "yes" end of it, then move on to the reproof.

Penetrate her heart. If she's leaning toward "no," then say, "Honey, I know you love your brother, but when you try to get him in trouble, you're not showing love. God's Word says, 'Let us not love with words ... but with actions and in truth'" (1 John 3:18).

Provide a means of escape. Say, "God says we are to 'spur one another on toward love and good deeds' (Hebrews 10:24). Emily, rather than tattling, what could you have said to encourage your brother?" Have Emily think through this and verbalize how she could have encouraged her brother to do what is right. If this is a new concept for your child, you may have to make some suggestions such as, "Mom says we aren't supposed to jump on the bed. I don't want you to get in trouble, Michael, so please get down."

Practice by role-playing. This is the most important step. Have your children re-enact the situation, guiding them through the biblical way to handle it. First, ask Michael to pretend to jump on the bed. Then require Emily to encourage her brother to do what is right. Require Michael to respond with an affirmative reply.

Three-year old Sam is playing with his blocks. When you ask him to come to you, he ignores your instructions and continues to play. Here's an opportunity to use Scripture to teach Sam why disobeying is wrong and how he could have responded in a way that pleases God.

Probe his heart. Give Sam your full attention. Kneel down, make eye contact, and say, "Sam, I told you to come to me. Did you obey or disobey?" Wait for him to verbally acknowledge the wrong he has done. Then ask him, "Sweetheart, how did you disobey?" Requiring him to identify exactly how he has disobeyed helps him to take ownership of the sin in his heart.

Penetrate his heart. "Sam, God's Word says, 'Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord' (Colossians 3:20). When you disobey me, though God's love for you doesn't change, your actions do not please Him. I love you too much to allow you to disobey."

Provide a means of escape. Ask, "How does God want you to obey?" Small children can learn to answer this question by saying, "All the way, right away, and with a joyful heart." A helpful tool is to teach children that obedience is complete, instant, and joyful.

Practice by role-playing. Say, "Let's practice obeying all the way, right away, and with a joyful heart." Let him play with his blocks again. When you call Sam and he immediately comes to you, be sure to offer lots of praise. "Thank you so much for obeying Mommy (or Daddy)!"

It's time to make that agonizing shopping trip with your son Andrew - the trip that typically results in a battle of wills, a disgruntled attitude, and an annoying twitch in your left eye. But this time, you have the opportunity to see it as a valuable occasion to use Scripture to show Andrew why complaining is wrong and how he can adjust his attitude to please God.

Probe his heart. Ask, "Andrew, is your attitude showing thankfulness and contentment? Do you think the things you're saying will make this shopping trip pleasant or miserable?"

Penetrate his heart. "Andrew, your attitude isn't showing respect for me, nor is it pleasing to God. The Bible says, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing'"(Philippians 2:14). Remind him that his attitude is a choice. He can choose to have a good attitude even when he doesn't feel like it.

Provide a means of escape. Say, "Andrew, God wants us to be thankful and joyful in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Rather than complaining, what can you be thankful for in this situation?"

Practice by role-playing. Whenever Andrew complains, have him stop and consider one way that he can be thankful for the shopping trip. Require him to verbally replace each complaint with a word of thankfulness.

Sure, parenting has its good, bad, and nerve-racking days. But there's no better place than a Christian home to get to the heart of good behavior.

• Reaching the Heart of Your Child - three-session video series by Ginger Plowman.
• Wise Words for Moms by Ginger Plowman. From Preparing the Way Ministry.
• Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (Shepherd Press).
• The Gospel for Children by John Leuzarder (Shepherd Press). www.shepherdpress.com